She never loved me, why should anyone?

Erich Fromm: "Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'"

I don't think either of these are very mature. At least, neither of these are very desirable to me. I can see how "I love you because I need you" wouldn't seem genuine, because it suggests that once you no longer have a need for someone you won't love them anymore. But "I need you because I love you"? I hope I never get that clingy and needy. (I've been close, even if no one knows because I keep it all in my head.) And what happens when they don't want you around anymore? What happens if they never loved or needed you in the first place?

Which brings me to why people tell people "I love you" in the first place. I rarely do because I think it might scare people away, and also it feels like I'm lying (and I'm not always, but I've lied a lot so I get squirmy). If I tell someone I love them I'm not expecting anything in return. I don't think people need to feel so threatened. But this phrase has been used so much to manipulate and guilt, and it's been said so many times when it shouldn't have been used... I hate love.

Back to the quote-- Friends and lovers and social interaction are good, but people should be self-sufficient upon themselves, to a degree. You should always put yourself and your needs first, or otherwise you're continually chasing after someone or something in efforts to please them, which in turn would make you happy, which might not always work, and fuels feelings of abject failure and worthlessness already cultivated by years of being pushed too hard as a child (personally speaking, can you tell?), and death, doom and destruction. I'm not saying you can't be nice to other people or devote your life to service for others, but you should do so because it directly makes you happy, and you're not looking for praise or glory or affection or love. Otherwise you're just never grounded, always searching, on the move, dependent on others for feelings of self-worth.

I will be a slave to no one. So I can say with certainty that, when it comes down to it, I don't need anyone but myself in my life. But I would like to.

SORRY I'M TOO GAY FOR YOUR CLASSY ESTABLISHMENT

Sunday night Melissa and I tried to get into the strip club Flashdancers. Melissa had some friends visiting from out of town who texted us that the girls, who were all quite attractive, said the age requirement was 20+. So great! Excellent! Super pumped.

We get to Times Square and find the place and bouncer asks for ID. Melissa hands hers over, blatant "UNDER 21" in red next to her photo, he stares at it, I assume trying to do math, hands it back to her, no problem.

Bouncer gets to me, looks at my ID, then quickly says, "Sorry, you have to be 21 or over." We tell him that's not what the damn strippers said, he is not swayed, we all leave and go do something else and Flashdancers loses money.

I can only think of two reasons this happened. Either the bouncer can't do math, or he's a homophobe who was like OH SHIT WHAT A MANLY DYKE when he saw me and was like we can't have that now, can we? SORRY I'm such a FAG. (But I'm prettyyyyy!!! I ammmmm!!)

And the whole time the lithe blonde bartender was eye-fucking the both of us. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Of age Asian ID. I must find one.

LOL PSYCHICS

The following takes place outside a psychic reading storefront at 18th and 3rd:

"Excuse me, Miss, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Uh huh?"
"I just wanted to say that I really like your aura (I'm a psychic)(1) and I really like where you're going with it, and I can give you lots of good advice about school and work and I can see you are very driven (2), I see a lot of traveling in your future (3), and I can see right now that you are on a mission to work (4), and this will only take five minutes, and it can really help you--"
"Um, I'm actually late to work right now(5), so I'm gonna have to pass, sorry!"

(1) Really?
(2) Because I'm powerwalking because I'm late to work?
(3) Where did that come from? And what a vague statement!
(4) See (2)
(5) See (2)

Maybe she was a new hiree. She seemed to be grasping for things to say, and she was wearing sunglasses, but if I could have seen her eyes they probably wouldn't have been looking at me at all.

Overheard!

Black TA, walking in five minutes before class: Oh my god, am I early? Oh, no! I'm going against my people's stereotype!

--Classroom, NYU

Overheard by: kpan

Thoughts

Last night, lying in my bed in the dark because I was tired and there was nothing interesting on TV, I allowed myself a couple of hours for my mind to depart wildly from what I know to be reality, and panic about things I have no control over and that panicking about does not help at all (ie the very, very distant future), and think and feel things I know to be (maybe) patently untrue (ie no one likes me they're all just pretending and i have made no impact on anyone whatsoever). Who knows how long I would have continued to wallow and narrowly fight off hyperventilation, but someone texted me and made me feel much better by showing me that I wasn't forgotten. I'm a retard. Anyway, I came to several conclusions.

I decided that I do not like feeling alone. And even when I know I am lonely and could very easily reach out to someone, I don't, because I don't think my emotions are legitimate. And I always think people are doing something more important and I shouldn't bother them with my stupid whining. Whine whine blog whine.

How are you supposed to plan for the future when you have no idea what you want to do with your life? How can you make promises for the future when it feels like lying, because you can never be sure? Why can't people just take it one day at a time, and take solace in the moment, instead of worrying about what trajectory they're taking in the future?

Is there anything constant/static in life?

Why can't we all just get along?

I am in an emo funk. This has not happened in a while. I am not sure why.

Has anyone noticed how happy trance music actually seems sad? Or am I just rubbing off on everything around me.

What I Also Think

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired." - Mother Teresa